HOW TO ALIENATE THOUSANDS OF JEWISH SINGLES

Well, the article I am referring to should have been called this. But it was called ‘Purim and the Tyranny of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim’ (http://www,jewishpress.com/sections/family/purim-and-the-tyranny-of-beauty-a-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/19/)

 I was sent this link by my (single) daughter, who, by the way, is very pretty, but more importantly, she is a mensch and generally has a great sense of humor. But she wasn’t laughing about this piece.

Yitta Halberstam starts off quite defensively, saying ‘I know I’m going to be crucified’, which intrigued me, as I thought from the title that it was going to be the voice of liberation from the ‘tyranny of beauty’, or it would be an ironic Purim piece; but was I wrong.

What it is, is an indictment of the shidduch process. In my recent rant post, I touched on things like gender imbalance and unrealistic expectations and ‘Hollywoodization’ of the singles’ mindset. I made a mistake though. I didn’t discuss the fascism of the mothers and others.

The initial premise of the piece is, in itself, staggering. After recognition of ‘the shidduch crisis’, a ‘fascinating new shidduch initiative’ is described: Mothers of eligible young men were to be brought together with young women looking for shidduchim for, essentially, speed dating. No other word for it. Oh, in ‘a balabatish setting and a dignified way.’ As if there could be any dignity for the girls in this scenario.

The author demurs; she didn’t need to be there because she has this WONDERFUL son who is ‘in perpetual demand’, and ‘is learning full-time and plans to pursue a PhD’- oy, I can hear the kvelling- and the girls at this sorry excuse for a meat market  wonderful, dignified event were all looking for ‘learning boys’, so they can work 2 jobs for the rest of their lives while having child after child…oops, sorry, I’m ranting again. Well, Yitta, honey, your boychick may be the crème de la crème, but he’s still single until he’s actually married, capische?

Anyway, back to the shvigger speed dating evening. On entering the lovely, dignified, balbatish room, the author was struck by 2 things: the sheer number of girls who were courageous (and desperate) enough to show up; and ‘the conspicuous and glaring lack of make-up on a significant percentage of the girls’ faces’ [bold and italics as published in the article.]

Well, I won’t pick her grammar apart here (what, each girl only made up 2/3 of her face? I know what she is trying to say.) But how is THAT for an in-depth appraisal of one’s future daughter-in-law? ‘They were, eidel, frum, sincere, intelligent, and committed to the learning ideal. But even the most temimasdika ben Torah is looking for a wife whom he finds attractive.’

The sheer irony, of course, is that it is not at all what the boy finds attractive; it is what his mother finds attractive that is being judged.

She tells her story of being a plump 19 year old with frizzy hair and a big nose who had no dating success until she was advised by her mentor to go on a diet, straighten her hair and get a nose job. And this gave her confidence to improve herself and I guess she found her prince. And the cred to have the chutzpah to tell others to do the same. Backed up by the opinion of the ‘heilike Satmar Rebbe t”zl.’

I’m not a hypocrite. I do think that we should make the most of our looks in general. I’m an old bag but I still make an effort with my appearance, with make-up and shaytel and clothes, up to a point. I do recognize the ‘look good, feel better’ ethos. I do recognize the ‘tyranny of beauty’. But we are getting seriously lost in the shidduch process if we think that the solution to the ‘crisis’ is having girls appraised by their future mothers-in-law in this cattle market. Dress it up how you want, call it ‘balbatish and dignified’, it is no better than that. Oh, we are so ‘penimiasdik’, oh, the glory of the king’s daughter is within, oh, we scorn the superficialities of the secular world…but is she pretty? Is she a size 2?

I have a better idea! Let’s have the mothers of the boys interview the mothers of the girls! After all, they say that the girl becomes her mother eventually! So is the mother pretty? Is she a size 2? Is she a total bitch? Are you, mother of boy?

My sister-in-law is a Gerrer, and she interviews her sons’ prospective Kallah, after much research, in a quiet place, before she agrees to the match; the boys then date 2, and in one case, 3 times (risqué!) and then the next time they see each other is under the chuppah. It works for her and her boys. It sort of horrifies me, and the whole Gerrer attitude to intimate relations is pretty scary, from what I have heard, but it works for them, it seems, who knows. That is one thing, but these en masse interview evenings are a whole other world of appalling. And you will be happy to know that there are more planned, for mothers of ‘working boys’, as opposed to ‘learning boys’ etc.

I was a plump 24 year old with a medical degree, working as an intern, when I was introduced (by a FRIEND, see earlier post) to my husband-to-be. I had no money, no yichus, and I was – gasp- size 14 (size 12 US). And after our first date, my husband reports that his mother asked if I was ‘as fat as ______ ‘[his sister, who was not really so fat and in fact, thinner than me], and he answered, honestly, ‘I didn’t notice’. So no prize guessing what the outcome would have been if it was my mother-in-law I was dating!

‘Thankfully, everyone’s conception of attractiveness is different; beauty is in the eyes [sic] of the beholder’, Yitta simpers, ‘and a woman’s intellect, personality and soul can have a tremendous bearing on the way in which her beauty is perceived.’ Well, whew! Lucky for us fat miesskeits! ‘Still,’ she continues, ‘there is trying and then there is not trying.’

And what of the many beautiful slim, glossy haired, pert-nosed single girls, who are trying? And what of the balding, pot-bellied, clueless men that they are supposed to marry? Anything to say about them? I didn’t think so.

So please, let us bypass this bullshit, and really make an effort. Friends? Again I call to you to help your single friends find their match. Singles? Listen to your friends! And good luck.