SIXTY

So the 60th birthday celebrations are coming to a close. Last night was the party, along with a good friend, who also turned 60 not long ago; our kids put it all together. It was also the last night of Chanukah, so we were all burning with full light, to strain a metaphor. There was a DJ. I danced. Today I cannot move. But it was worth it.

Here's the speech I made; my brief was to be funny and I think I was. Well, people were laughing anyway, and I hope it was with me and not at me.

I still can't believe I'm this old.

BEN SHISHIM LE ZIKNO

In Pirkei Avot, 'Ethics of the Fathers', there is a reference to the arc of life and what is expected at various ages:

5- LeMikrah, 10- LeMishna, 13- LeMitzvah, 15- LeGemarah,

18- LeChuppah, 20- Lirdof- ie pursuit of a livelihood

30- Koach- full strength

40- Binah- Understanding

50-Eitzah- Ability to give advice!

60 - Zikno. OLD. Over the hill.

ZIKNO. Age. Comprised of 4 letters, Zayin, Kuf, Nun, Heh, which forms a neat acrostic:

Ziftzin - Sighing

Krechtsen- Groaning

Nissen- Sneezing

Hissen- Coughing

70- Seivo – ripe old age

80-Gevurah – Great strength; Because 'getting old ain’t for sissies'.

Goes downhill from there.

BUT I note that this is all BEN and not BAS. SO could it be it only applies to MEN? Huh?

3 things happen with aging:

ONE, your memory isn’t so good.

I forget the other 2 things.

It’s good that women over 50 don’t have babies, they would put them down somewhere and forget where.

SCIENTIFIC FACT: Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

When you go through menopause, they say you are going through the change of life. The change. But they don’t tell you what you’re changing into – in my case, my dad.(Stroke bristly jaw of nana whiskers) But like a hot, itchy, mental version.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom: sometimes, age comes alone.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED: WORDS OF WISDOM-RULES OF AGING *

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Never pass up a toilet; never waste an erection; never trust a fart.

Never lick a steak knife

Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Do not confuse your career with your life

There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, this person is crazy.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (THIS NEVER FAILS, pay attention.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Here are  few more:

1.

Most things don’t matter.

Stuff that you think really matters usually doesn’t. You can work yourself into sickness worrying about things that, in the long term, are unimportant. Anyone planned a wedding?

What IS important: Being kind and being a mensch.

2.

Nobody is thinking about you.

You are certain that everyone spends half their day talking about you or discussing your weight or denigrating your work. But really, NOBODY is thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves, just like you.

(I wish I could tell this to self-conscious young women, especially about their looks. They are all beautiful. Youth is beautiful. Joy is beautiful.)

3.

There comes a time in life when you have to stop trying to strengthen your weaknesses. It’s ok with kids, you see some gaps and you try to help things along, or it might work on the sport field, but not in life. In life, in maturity, if you attempt to strengthen a weakness, you will get weaker. BUT if you keep playing to your strengths, people will not notice you have weaknesses. Don’t believe me. Take singing lessons. But it’s true.

4.

Give honest, frank and open criticism to nobody, ever.

Someone, friend, relative, workmate, employee, whatever, has behavior or character flaws evident to all but themselves. You think that an honest, frank, pull-no-punches conversation will show them the error of their ways. They will see the light at once! And be forever grateful for your kindness and candor and courage. Better still! They will reform their ways, their lives will be redeemed and improved and they will owe all that you candid, courageous you.

FORGET ABOUT IT. Don’t do it. Who here likes to be criticized?

This relates to my previous point: Nobody is thinking about you, UNLESS you tell them about their faults. Then you can be sure they are thinking of you. They are thinking of killing you.

On that note:

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance anyway.

Friends, family, thank you for coming tonight to this celebration.

At my age, I know how much easier it is to stay home. Not to mention how much more enjoyable, as a rule. I love when things get cancelled and I can just stay home. I’m sure I’m not the only one. So thank you all for making the effort.

Thank you to the young ‘uns (Maaryasha, Nechama, Rosa- sorry if I forgot anyone, my memory isn’t so good) for organizing this and not letting it fizzle into a couple of 60 year olds being overwhelmed by the thought of being that old, and hiding under a blanket while soothing ourselves with chocolate (Just me, then).

Thank you to Ralph and Tilly for giving their home for the party, I really appreciate the work involved. I hope nothing got too trashed, guests included.

Last but not least, thank you to my loving husband for always being there, for his support and forbearance and being an all-around good guy (WHO IS NEVER RUDE TO WAITERS BTW)

And finally- people rarely remember what you say in a speech. But they sure remember if you took too long to say it.

I conclude! With-

A TOAST:

TO PUTTING THE ‘SEXY’ BACK INTO SEXAGENARIAN!

May the light of this last night of Chanukah stay with you all throughout the year.

LECHAIM

* Although I wish that all these points were original, I did in fact scour the internet and came up with these. Some are from Dave Barry, and the 4 points are from Roger Rosenblatt’s ‘Rules of Aging’. The line about ‘change of life’ was from American comedian Mrs. Hughes. (Link above.)