THE UNKINDEST CUT? MAYBE NOT.

On June 26 this year the District Court of the Federal State of Cologne, Germany, ruled that the circumcision of boys for religious reasons at the request of parents constituted the infliction of bodily harm and was therefore a punishable offense. The decision was made after a case of a  4 -year-old Muslim boy who suffered complications of bleeding 2 days after his circumcision by a Muslim doctor. The doctor was acquitted, but, in future, any doctor performing a circumcision in this sort of situation would be liable for prosecution, as would the parents who allowed it.

Of course, this criminalization of male circumcision affects Jews as well. In fact, the outcry against this legal decision is one great big uniter of Jews and Muslims in Germany, for what that’s worth.

It turns out that there are 220,000 Jews living in Germany- who knew?- and vastly more Muslims. And, unlike the Germans, whose birthrate is around 1.3 children per woman, along with the majority of western countries whose birthrates are below population replacement levels, the Muslim birthrate is WAY above replacement levels, so you do the math.

Therefore I personally think that this ruling will not hold up because the Muslims will protest and nobody wants a Muslim protest! Imagine all the burning Mercedes-Benzes and Audis and the loss of Ordnung in the street. Unconscionable. So I would think that, ironically, it will probably be the Muslims who will save the day so the Jews will be able to continue a 3,000-year-old practice which is so dangerous, that Jews are still around. So traumatizing to the helpless infant that Jews still win more Nobel Prizes than anyone else.

Yes, it is so dangerous that, in Africa, adult males are clamoring to be circumcised as it has been shown to be effective against the transmission of HIV.

Yes, yes, I know what the issues are here; it’s about harming a child who has no ability to consent to a non-medically necessary procedure. Even if his parents request the procedure, even if the operator is a doctor. The issue is also about the transcendence of the Body over the Soul. Now, where have I heard that before? Oh yes, the Ancient Greeks. And the Romans.  And the Soviets. And where are they today?

I know that this topic tends to generate more heat than light when it is argued. There are comparisons made to female genital mutilation, which is already illegal in Germany and other countries, as if the two procedures could be remotely compared in outcomes and effects on the child’s future. As if there is a skerrick of evidence that FGM had any positive outcomes either! Not a one, only damage to girls for no reason except ‘to protect their honour’, whatever that is construed to mean. Whereas male circumcision sometimes needs to be done for medical reasons –which IS allowed under this German ruling - and can protect against HIV, for example, female genital mutilation has only negative effects on girls and women, no matter how small the cut or what is or isn’t excised or stitched up. So making both male circumcision and FGM illegal serves to lump them together in a most unfair and disingenuous way.

The Brit Milah is an eternal covenant between G-d and the Jews. Now, G-d could have thought of other ways to make a covenant, I guess. If it has to be seared into the flesh, why not a piercing or a tattoo? I’m no Talmid Chochom or mystic, and I sure don’t know the mind of G-d, but it seems to me that the foreskin is accessible and expendable, but more, the penis represents the propagation of the Jewish people as well as the source of pleasure for Man. With great privilege comes great responsibility! How amazing is that, that the source of these two vital - literally, ‘vital’ pertaining to ‘vitum’, life force - functions has this little removable turtleneck! I know this won’t change the minds of the ‘intactivists’, but I think it’s no coincidence that it’s the removal of the foreskin, rather than, say, the tonsils or appendix, that binds the Jews to G-d the Creator (sorry, Muslims, Johnny-come-lately copycats) as an eternal reminder of the Chosenness of the Jews. Also, once it’s removed, it’s gone, and no comebacks (unless the job was done badly, which can happen, unfortunately, or unless you are deluded enough to want to grow back the foreskin by surgical means), not like piercings or tatts. No frivolity here.

So what about doing this procedure on a child who is unable to give legal consent? Whose parents, despite the fact that they take the baby for immunizations without consent, and force the child to go to school, and make a child eat broccoli, certainly without consent, and are thus in charge of the child’s welfare, both spiritual and physical- suddenly have no legal or moral authority to have their son circumcised. Suddenly, despite a 3,000 year tradition which has such enormous power and meaning, and no doubt has contributed to the continued existence of the Jews, is illegal. Suddenly The Rights Of The Child To Have An Intact And Perfect Body And Not Have Anything Done With Which He Cannot Consent, is sacrosanct. As a result of a ruling in a German court. I find this a little ironic on several levels.

It was the Jews, after all, who, under G-d’s command, abhorred Avodah Zara, idol worship, including the worship of Moloch, which involved mothers sacrificing their children by throwing them into the idol’s fiery maw and burning them alive. It was the Jews who came up with the whole idea of ‘Choosing Life’, and ‘He who saves a single life, it is as if he has saved the whole world’ and that ‘Man is a microcosm’ and ‘Man is created in the image of G-d.’ It sure wasn’t the Enlightened Germans who ran with that ball. But I digress.

Brit Milah may seem like a minor procedure performed on a minor, but it’s of major importance. And the Jews will find a way to continue the eternal covenant. We always have.

SUBURBAN ANGST

Behind the palings and the pickets, a wealth of suffering.

The Across-the-Back-Fence Neighbour’s Barking Dog.

It’s been 5 years now, I think, and not so bad in the winter, as the dog is kept inside more, I imagine. But come the summer, when the windows and doors are flung open to greet the fresh morning air. Or the cool evenings. Or the afternoon sun. Or a breeze at 10pm. Or any bloody time you can think of: The dog barks. A little Westy terrier with a yippy-yappy voice and endless stamina. We tried everything short of killing the dog and now we sulk in baleful silence. Except when I take out my megaphone and stand on my balcony and shout at them to shut the dog up. I am not making this up. It works, but I don’t do it too often, or else they will see me as the lunatic that I am. And every other neighbour I talk to is driven crazy by this dog. But everyone is too polite to say anything to the owner. So I look like a bigger looney.

Leaf blowers.

I mean, really, is there any more stupid invention? Back in the day, the homeowner/gardener would:

·      Rake up the leaves.

·      Place leaves in a bag and thence in the trash, or

·      Compost leaves or

·      Burn leaves.

I used to think that burning leaves was the worst thing, as it pollutes the air. I wasn’t the only one to think this because they made it illegal here. But really? It’s worse with the NOISE POLLUTION of the leaf blower. And the absurdity of blowing the leaves off one’s own property over to- where? The moon? No! To the next property! Or the street! And then what? The wind blows them back anyway! You idiot with your noisy little toy and your ear protectors and protective eyewear! Every Saturday and Sunday morning in autumn and well into winter (when there is hardly a leaf to be found), my two across-the road neighbours are in a duelling match. Or they tag-team each other. One blows the leaves off his lawn and nature strip onto the street and then the wind blows it back and then the other one takes over. What morons are these?! And we poor souls trying to have a quiet Shabbos morning have to listen to the endless RRRRRrrrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr ad nauseam.

When they invent a leaf SUCKER, please let these fools know.

Possums and other Vermin.

I used to be an animal lover. OK, I still am, with the exception of:

• PIGEONS, or to give them their correct name, ‘Rattus con wingicus’. Yes, RATS with WINGS. Oh, I learned my lesson well with these critters.

Rule No 1: DO NOT FEED with leftover stale bread. They eat, the breed, they build nests which block up drainpipes so rainwater enters the house and courses down the wall onto the freshly laid floor. AND they poop everywhere. AND whatever bread they don’t eat gets eaten by-

• RATS. 

And there are several kinds of rats, including the Roof Rat which scampers around in your roof, gnawing on wires and fouling on any roof stuff like aircon units. And they also keep company with

• POSSUMS. Australian possums are not as vile as the US ones, they look a bit more like raccoons, for those who don’t know. So they are RATS with CUTE FACES. 

And they are nocturnal, so at dawn they come home- to my roofspace- to sleep and at dusk they get out there and boogie. They tend to tromp overhead rather than scamper; they can get as big as a large house cat. But they, along with the rats, can magically compress their furry bodies to slip in and out of minuscule holes in the roof, so that the tiniest shift of roof tiles will grant them access. And once they are there, using your roof and wall spaces as toilets and your wires and cables as teething toys, they are there to stay. Because as far as they are concerned, YOU are infringing on THEIR living space, not the other way around. Sure, there are many large trees for them to make their homes in as nature intended, but, hey! Let’s get in out of the rain!

You can trap them (but you can’t kill them; they are a PROTECTED SPECIES, what a joke! Protected! Like a panda! Except they destroy your garden, too. Even a panda would at least eat only the bamboo!) in humane cages, baited with an apple, and then you have to release them, so they can come back in. And you actually PAY people to do this for you, because they are vicious little beasts with fangs and claws. And then you pay the roofer to fix the roof. Again. And it’s quiet for a little while. Until the wind blows and shifts a tile and in they come again. (I know an old codger who used to trap them and drown them in a bucket. When he was told that they were protected, he claimed he was only teaching them how to swim, but they were poor learners. I used to be appalled but NOW I understand.)

If only I could get that damn dog to scare them away; at least the barking would be of some use.  But leaf blowers? Useless.

FROM CHINA- WITH FAILURE

My son is getting married in about 10 weeks, and it’s in the US and therefore, as an out-of-towner, I don’t have to do much. So I will preface this kvetch with a thanksgiving blessing, that it’s all been a piece of cake compared to marrying off a daughter. So I’m not really really complaining.

But of all the few things I have to do, one of them is getting a dress for myself. Now, I hate fashion and clothes and shopping and everything involving me trying on stuff and looking at myself in a mirror. I like the idea of glamming up but the shoes kill me, for starters. I have some outfits which I put together, and then I wear them and wear them until they are unwearable and then I grit my teeth and shlep out and Go Shopping.

Clearly, though, a family wedding is in a different league. And one’s own son’s wedding especially so. The last 2 weddings of daughters, I managed to wear the same dress, a dress which had been made for me by a Couturier, excuse me, not just a little dressmaker, and it cost a fortune, and at least I spread the cost over 2 weddings. Unfortunately, no such luck this time. Different time of year, different country, different climate, too hot. What to do. Idea!! Go on-line!

First, I googled ‘Modest Evening Gowns’ just to see. It turns out that the Mormons have kind of cornered the market here, folks. Especially bridal wear. Very tzniusdik! You should check out their ‘Temple Dresses’, very elegant, even the most Haredi bride could wear them. Just a thought.

But nothing for me. Actually, even the ‘modest’ evening dresses, while being modest by general standards, were not OK; sleeveless etc etc whatever.

So I kept looking. And I found a site, written in Chinglish *, which had scores of ‘Mother Of Bride’ styles. And I actually found 2 styles which looked good and were suitable; little jackets which I figured I could have lined if they were too transparent, over a sleeveless dress, nice and drapey, and –get this- $80. Yes, you read correctly, $80-$100 for a cocktail or evening dress. Sizings were US, and I know my size, so I ordered a little bit bigger- easier to take in than let out, right? And I ordered 3 dresses and it was under $300 including shipping.

So what went wrong? I hear you ask. Did they not arrive from the Fukien Province of China? No, they came, in about 2 weeks. Were they crappy quality? Well, it’s not going to be silk at that price, is it? But they were indeed quite well made. Were the colours or fabrics wrong? No, it was as I expected. And some nice beaded edging too. Maybe a bit fragile in the beading, as my dad would have said, ‘sewn with a hot needle’. But it turns out that I don’t know my size in US after all, and I got it wrong and they are all TOO SMALL. But really, not just ‘give up desserts for a month and they’ll fit’ too small; a size wrong. AND the dresses weigh a ton! They looked all floaty chiffon etc but they are structured like battleships underneath. ‘Built-in bra’ is what they called it, but that’s a euphemism. So major fail. And I’m not going to fotz around with dressmakers making 2 dresses into one, it would be far easier to start from scratch. And if I’m going to start from scratch then I wouldn’t be doing it in polyester.

So, beaten, I phoned the Couturier and I’m having a horribly expensive dress made. I’ve got 2 more weddings to go before I marry off all my kids so I’m hoping to amortize the investment. It had better look good. Sheesh.

PS I have 1 cocktail length dress in royal blue and 2 floor length gowns, one blue, one black, US size 16W (BULLSHIT) for sale to interested parties. Photos available on request!

*’In your wedding day , no matter bride or groom , you must appreciate a person , it is your mother . On that important day , one of the most exciting persons is your mother , who wish you be happy forever and ever and are waiting for your lover to give your wanted happiness . Therefore , when you appear in the view of the guests with perfect appearance , you never forget to dress up your great mother , to prepare a nice and fashion mother of the bride dress for your dear mother ! In modern times , new couples tend to place more attention on the mother of the bride gowns , and there are diverse styles of mother of the bride dresses in current market , to choose suitable one for your mother at once !’

Don’t you love Chinglish? How could I resist?

THE TRICKLE-DOWN

Lipa Schmeltzer is a Hasidic singer-songwriter who has been called ‘the Jewish Elvis’.

[I just got the giggles then, I don’t know what’s funnier, his name or the Elvis reference. It’s a bit rude to laugh at people’s names but when I hear ‘Lipa Schmeltzer’ my brain thinks it heard ‘Lipid Schmaltz’, which is pretty funny, because schmaltz is a kind of fat, or lipid. Well, I think that’s funny. Moving right along.]

So I saw this recent video, ‘Hang Up the Phone’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvwpNkJd82w

which is quite catchy, and I confess I enjoyed the song and the slightly bizarre video. The basic message is pretty clear- we are too reliant on electronic gadgetry, and the irony is that the more we rely on our phones, the less we communicate face-to-face. The rest is rather heavy-handed analogies. The charm factor is raised by the Yiddish lyrics. How can you not love ‘Instead of searching Google, I’m busy making kugel’? Or ‘Mein futer hot nisht kein computer’? And 'Oy vey, gevalt, leig avek shoyn der phone!'?

Lipa and his friends are robots.  They come to life in the electronics store after dark. They dance and fool around with the other appliances. There is a robot DJ spinning discs. A little boy outside the shop sees what’s going on inside but can’t attract his Dad’s attention because- you guessed it- Dad is on his mobile. Lipa opens the door to the shop and some real, live Hassidim come dancing in, literally dancing rings around the robot Lipa. But then the rather hunky Hassidic ‘robots’, shedding their ‘futuristic’ robot armour, start breakdancing. I must say, good to watch. Sort of Hassidic eye candy. Can I say that? But not making sense, if a music video is supposed to make sense, that is. Is it a dance fight?

Then a little boy robot- who was flesh and blood earlier- starts to juggle with fire. Whoah! Heavy symbolism! Our children are playing with fire and are turning into robots! Then there’s an inexplicable cut to a spinning disco ball in which we see the mesmerized face of a child; it’s a quick cut and almost subliminal.

SO. This song is an indictment of the effects of rampant electronic consumerism on us all. Blackberries never used to grow in New York City, he sings, in Yiddish! Once upon a time, ‘i’ meant an ‘ay’, an egg, as in ‘ayer mit tzibbel’! And now we are robots, in thrall to our Blackberries and iPhones and iPads. And in the end it was all a terrible dream that Lipa tries to relate to his friend Donny, who isn’t listening because he is- correct- texting on his mobile.

OK! I actually think he has a point. But I can’t help thinking that he is walking a very narrow bridge as a Haredi performer  (‘Jewish Elvis’!?). And this is the fate of such a performer; you may have great appeal to the Haredim, but take one wrong step and you are plunged into Cheirem. He nearly fell into the abyss in 2008 when he was forced to cancel a concert in Madison Square Gardens after a full-page ad was taken out in the local Haredi rag, HaModia, prohibiting attendance of the concert AND forbidding hiring him or any of the singers involved ‘for any party, celebration or charity event’. This was signed by a number of rabbis. So Lipa cancelled because:

 “I have a career, I have a wife and kids to support, I have a mortgage to pay, I have to get out of the fire”.

As a result, the charity for which the concert was being performed lost a large sum of money. And then later on, it seems that at least one signatory rabbi recanted. Apparently, the Rabbis were given false information about Lipa, which they chose to believe. The power of Loshon Hora and bearing false witness.

Since then, he has released albums, performed at large concerts and generally, put everything back on track. All is forgiven, whatever the problem was in the first place.

I don’t envy Lipa, having to watch his back like that. And I think he should be careful with this video! I laugh at the irony of using technology to criticize the use of technology. I laugh at the trickle-down effect of American culture; how come breakdancing is kosher? Because it had its heyday in the 80’s? Why is techno-style music, with a DJ, noch, kosher? Because it’s also dated?  Why is auto-tune OK? I think it’s a bit dishonest, myself. I wonder what we are doing today that is not acceptable to Haredim, that will be acceptable in 20 years? Who knows.

And the last irony is that the Orthodox Jews are probably the only people who DO actually ‘hang up the phone’ for 25 hours, over Shabbos. And it’s a good thing.

THE VOICE, INDEED

I didn’t follow ‘The Voice’. I heard a lot about it from my water aerobics buddies. I managed to watch a bit of one early on where there was a fat chick, who turned out to be Jimmy Barnes’ daughter Mahalia (what a name! The expectations!) and a pretty blonde skinny chick. By then there were no more blind auditions, so it was pretty clear to me in about 3 seconds that, unless Mahalia was really an incarnation of THE Mahalia, she wasn’t going to have a chance. And so I was right. So I didn’t really bother with the show after that. Ho-hum, another pretty young skinny girl will win another pop show. Whatever.

Monday morning I was at the gym and there was a promo for The Voice playing on the TV which is just on there for a bit of relief from the boredom of the elliptical trainer etc, and it was the morning of the Finals. And there were 4 finalists. First, the Katy Perry with the red hair. Hey, not bad, I thought. Then the blind blonde chick. OK, so-so, I liked the other one. Then the token older male. Hmm, good, for Vegas maybe. And last, there was this brunette girl, with a pretty, round, dimpled face and a bit of the chubbies and THEN she opened her mouth and I nearly fell off the treadmill. Oh. My. G-d. Why did anyone else even bother? This girl was going to win.

Well, she did. Of course there is the back story of the girl who lived in refuges and foster homes, 19 years old. So she had a legitimate right to sing the blues.

She sounded like – who? Like Renee Geyer- Etta James- Adele- Janis Joplin- Tina Turner- Joss Stone, no, better, like Amy Winehouse, even better than that- I don’t know who else. A female Joe Cocker. And I look at this list and most of these people are white people who sound like black people who invented the art form of Soul. Actually, I even thought of Fado singers from Portugal. I thought of every man who ever done me wrong, I thought of how the human spirit can rise above adversity, I got goosebumps, I wanted to cry. I cannot think of the last time a singer made me feel like this. In a different- very VERY different way- Cio-Cio San from Madama Butterfly.  But that’s not the same as this raw, wailing, sweet, gravelly SOUND that came out of this child’s throat. It was from a different planet.

Karise Eden, congratulations on your win. I hope you cope with the life which now awaits you. I hope you don’t end up in the shit like Amy and Janis and Whitney. I look forward to owning many of your recordings in the future. You deserve success. Just keep it real. Please, please, keep it real.

This was her blind audition. How clear is it that she is remarkable????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-QdjnA2vtI&feature=related

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE JEWISH!

That was a great comedy record, absolute classic. And you don’t have to be Jewish to appreciate it. And there was a book by Dan Greenburg about how to be a Jewish Mother, how you don’t have to be either Jewish or a mother to be one. Hahaha! (I laughed at the book but I think Dan hated his mother and himself. And being a Jew.)

And now it looks like you don’t have to be a Jew to be Jewish, according to the latest Jewish Community Study of New York. 
http://www.ujafedny.org/jewish-community-study-of-new-york-2011/

It is a fascinating document, worth a read. As is this comment:

http://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/102369/the-rise-of-the-partially-jewish?print=1

The Jewish population of NYC is up, now 1,086,00. This has been fueled by the high birthrate of the Orthodox, increased longevity, and the ‘Partially Jewish’.

•            Rising numbers of people report unconventional identity configurations. They may consider themselves “partially Jewish,” or may identify as Jews even while identifying with Christianity or another non-Jewish religion (many more do so now than who so reported in 2002). Of such people with unconventional configurations, 70% have a non-Jewish parent (or two).

I am not a racist. I am not homophobic. I do not sit in judgment of how others live their lives. All I want is clarity. I do not disdain a person for not being Jewish. I have known many people in the course of my life and some are Jewish- all right, most are Jewish- and some are not. And some are great people and some are jerks, and some – most- are straight and some are gay, and some I like and some I don’t, and whether they are likeable or noble or good or not has not a lot to do with their religion or lack of it or whatever. I just want to say that, because there are many people who consider themselves to be open-minded and accepting of all and sundry and they- non-judgmental types of course- immediately assume that I am a racist homophobe Jewish Supremacist because I am Orthodox, oh, excuse me, Ultra-Orthodox (I wear a sheytel).  (BTW, I am pleased to note that the study did not use the term Ultra-Orthodox, which I find pejorative, and instead commented on the diversity within Orthodoxy- Haredi, Hasidic, Yeshivish, Modern etc.)

So when I say that -really- a Jew is one born of a Jewish mother or converted according to Halacha, I am not being provocative or non-pluralistic. I am saying that, for the future of the Jewish people, the definition must be clarified. There is no such thing as ‘partially Jewish’. It is a dichotomy; you are or you aren’t.

I’m sorry, Reform and Reconstructionist and those who decided in 1984, was it? that patrilineage is an acceptable decider for Jewish identity, but until then, it was always, you got it, born of a Jewish mother or converted according to Halacha. It’s an exclusive club, that a lot of people seem to want to join for some crazy reason.

12% of households are biracial, that is 87,000 households representing 254,000 people, 161,000 of whom identify as Jewish. Ok, cool! I don’t care what colour you are or what your background is, if you call yourself Jewish you should have – what? That’s right, a Jewish mother or one converted according to Halachah. Or be a convert yourself.

There are 50,000 Jewish people in LGBT households. So, I don’t care if you are gay or have 2 mommies, as long as the biological one is Jewish, then you can call yourself a Jew. You may be a mixed-up Jew, an alienated Jew, an angry Jew, but you are a Jew.

The study goes on to comment on the importance of affiliation to a congregation in predicting Jewish engagement.

Not surprising to see that the Orthodox are most engaged, and there are 493,000 Jews living in Orthodox households- numbers are up. But there are also more ‘non-denominational Jews and Jews with no religion’ who are ‘least engaged’. But even in this group, those affiliated with a congregation have higher levels of Jewish engagement- cultural events, visits to Jewish museums, attending Seder, lighting Chanukah candles- than non-affiliated.

And the doozy is that half- HALF- of the non-Orthodox married out, between 2006-2011.  No surprise here either, that this group is less likely to feel that being Jewish is important or that it is important to be part of the Jewish community, or feel attached to Israel. So much for pluralism. BUT note, around half of these intermarried people light Chanukah candles/ attend a Seder and a third attend Jewish cultural events. The desire to belong is not always extinguished so readily, even in those whose actions will probably lead to the extinction of their line of Jews. So there’s bad news and there’s good news.

So this is a huge study and a monster topic, and there are many conclusions. Jews are diverse. They always have been. Jews are not all white, not all rich, not all observant or practicing or even believers. There are atheists who are Jews and Buddhists who are Jews and Muslims who are Jews and Christians who are, strictly speaking, Jews. Because they had- what? A Jewish mother. And it might not be fair to someone who had a Jewish father and has a Jewish surname and feels Jewish but isn’t, because the mother wasn’t Jewish. It isn’t fair. It sucks. We need to do a lot to enable conversions for those who are serious about their desire to become Jewish, especially in these situations.  But we can’t pretend that there is a thing called ‘partially Jewish’. You can be of Jewish ancestry, and not be Jewish, sure. But you can’t be a half a Jew. You are a Jew, or you aren’t a Jew. We must be clear about this and stop confusing the issue, because in the end, it is the group who is clearly identified and ‘strongly engaged’ who represents the future of the Jewish people. And I, for one, care about the Jewish people and the future. Jews are G-d’s chosen people, chosen to create a dwelling-place for G-d on Earth. That’s what it’s all about. Nowhere has it ever been said that everyone has to be Jewish or that you have to be a Jew to be a good person. Non-Jews are also expected to follow the 7 Noahide Laws , which basically account for decent societies. But Jews are Jews and there are great responsibilities (I sound like Spiderman) and it isn’t an easy path. And the chosenness is why people hate us and why people love us. OK, I’m making it very simple here and I’m sure there are others who could write theses about why I am wrong, but that’s what I believe.

Back to the classic 1965 recording:

‘Mr O’Hara, it’s your mother, Mrs Horowitz’ starts the sketch ‘The Housewarming’ (second sketch on the clip.)

Momma didn’t attend the housewarming of her son and daughter-in-law Sophia’s (ripple of laughter at this non-Jewish name) new duplex in Park Avenue; she was in the lobby but she didn’t come up because she forgot her son’s name. It’s funny, it’s hilarious, and it contains the bitter kernel of truth.

You don’t have to be Jewish? Oy.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE…

We women of a certain age are like gracious old houses. Beautiful, elegant, full of light, airy (or in my case, windy)…but OMG, the maintenance needed.

I have calculated that the stuff I do simply to maintain the illusion of looking like a civilized human being costs more annually than my parents’ total income, back in the day when they were alive and working.  And we lived very simply, true, but they raised, fed and put 3 kids through school on that income. And paid off a mortgage. And ran a car.

Health stuff: (actually, not so bad in this wonderful country where the health insurance system isn’t as byzantine as, say, the US)

Visits to cardiologist, gynecologist, bariatric centre, semi-annual blood tests, various forms of medical imaging and medications (Meds are really expensive! And I’m essentially well!).

Supplements too! Sheesh. And after I have bought the ‘pleasant-tasting’ fish oil, or the Vitamin D3 or the chewable multivitamin or the chia seeds, or the vile herbal mixture or the Neways Feroxin or whatever the fad is, it sits in the fridge staring balefully at me whenever I open the door, making me feel guilty about the waste of it all.

Dental stuff:

Annual visit to dentist.

Annual visit to periodontist.

Repairs to broken teeth- had a bad run there a couple of years back. Oh yes, the dental splint to stop the tooth-grinding. Mmm, what a pleasure that was. Not.

Eye stuff:

Annual exam of vision, pressure, and more and more fiddling with contact lens prescriptions because I don’t want to wear bifocals until I REALLY have to. I mean that. (So I'm sitting staring at the screen through one of 6 pairs of magnifier reading glasses which I keep scattered through the house.)

Hair/ Shaytel maintenance:

I finally stopped coloring my hair as I realized it was pointless. So my real hair is pretty cheap, but the shaytels- uh oh.

Nails:

Bi-weekly gel infills and polish. When did this start? Why?

Pedicure every 4 weeks. Now THAT’S a necessity.

Beauty therapy:

Aka ‘Management of superfluous hair’. What a rip-off! (ha ha, little waxing joke.)

Facials- OK, I wouldn’t have 2 a year, but the eyebrows have escaped all control. So special treatment for brows.

And I DON’T do cosmetic crap like Botox, and hope I never feel the need to.

Exercise stuff:

Personal trainer twice a week. Orthotics for the sneakers. Had to be custom made, at great expense, but I’ve had a lot of use out of them.

Water aerobics class twice a week. It’s my pool, but I pay for the sessions. Maybe if some of my PIKER FRIENDS would actually TURN UP every week, I might not have to pay, but that’s the way it is.

Zumba, Pilates or whatever which I do until either injured or sick of. Then physiotherapy for the injury. This happens on average, once a year.

Therapeutic massage, weekly, to recover from the exercise. Of course!

I give employment to about 20 people, and that’s when I’m well and everything is working properly! G-d forbid the multitudes who will need to tend to me if I get sick! It’ll take a city, not a village!