It's Ace at the Ace

I am reclining, languid as a lizard, on the canvas- clad balcony of my room at the Ace Hotel ('and Swim Club') in Palm Springs, California. It is 39C but I am comfy in my cotton Djellaba robe in the shade. In the morning I was by the pool experiencing the dubious honor of being double the age of any other swimmer, the only one in a one- piece, apart from a 4 year old girl, and the only cleanskin in sight. Even said child had what I hope was a temporary tattoo.
This place was a Howard Johnson Motel built in the mid 60's but has it been pimped up. It is now Hipster Heaven. It's easy to see the mid century bones of some of the structures. My balcony is but bleak concrete, white stuccoed wall and white painted iron balustrading with peeling, rusty patches, but the metal is wrapped in marine canvas and cord, and so there is shade and privacy. The room is a combo of concrete, 60s furniture, simple but solid plumbing and funky touches like a working record player alongside the radio. No little bottles of stuff either, the minibar is a maxi bar, with full sized bottles of spirits and mixers and snacks, all ready for a party. Big bottles of shampoo etc on the side of the tub whose size and depth beckon me.
I don't know who thought of this all but they got something right. The place is buzzing, there's music in the air, wafting scents of BBQ which I can't partake in, but it's a great atmosphere.
It's like a permanent festival.
So please excuse me as I take my aged untattooed body off for a well-earned massage. It's hard work but someone's got to do it. See you back in Australia, in the real world!

Farewell London, hello sleep.

So the Olympics are over and I'm sorry to say, not being a Foxtel devotee, I didn't get to see much of it. Just bits and pieces on Channel 9 which seemed to me to be pretty poor at this gig. There seemed to be no coverage of anything that didn't star an Australian - hence, no weightlifting, my personal favorite- except when there was really nothing that had any Australian in it, so we did get to see some awesome gymnastics finals.
In the end it wasn't so bad for the Aussies, I think 8th or 9th in the medal tally, and 6 golds? (I'm sitting in an airport doing this on my iPhone so my research is a bit patchy.) Just the swimmers disappointed in the beginning. And as stated in my previous post, we Aussies build up our athletes only to cut them down if they don't bring home the gold. We are deluded.
So now the party's over and London did a good job, it seems, and no terrorists killed anyone (why would they attack a fellow Muslim city after all? Only half joking).
But there are some sports that have to go. Top of the list is race walking. I mean, it makes no sense! If you're in such a hurry to get someplace, just RUN! This bizarre unnatural gait is just ludicrous to watch and what's the point? Sure, it's difficult and uses different muscles than running but so what? Why not have a race where everyone walks on their hands then? You marvel at the sprinters and the distance runners and you laugh at the walkers. It isn't fair but what's the point?
Synchronized swimming. Everyone makes jokes about this. How did it become an Olympic sport? Bizarrely made-up girls who can hold their breath for amazingly long times executing Busby Berkeley routines under water. Good for an Esther Williams Hollywood movie routine maybe, but a sport? Is ballroom dancing, sorry, Dancesport, an Olympic event yet? Why not? More people dance than sync-swim.
Synchronized diving. Ok, amazing to watch but why is it better than just watching diving? What control freak coach thought that individual diving wasn't hard or dangerous enough, let's add telepathy?
Hurdles. I'm not suggesting this should be removed but what a crazy discipline. It's like it was invented on a dare. And so dangerous if you put a foot wrong. They outlaw steeplechase for horses because of the danger to horse and rider, but not hurdles. (but yay! Sally Pearson GOLD!)
And to change tack, why are there no black swimmers or white sprinters? Then for the 400 and 800m there are some white people (including Steve Solomon, Aussie! Jewish! Didn't medal but got into the finals, came last, but who cares? 8th fastest in the world!) and then in the longer races it's all black again. But not in the pool. Seriously, why? Don't black people float? Is it anatomy? Is it socio-economics? But surely, just as the Williams sisters have dominated women's tennis, a middle-class sport if ever there was, surely there must be middle-class black people with access to a pool? High school coach? Please explain!
Equestrian. Don't get me wrong, I love the equestrian events, even dressage. Especially dressage. The horses are so beautiful and the riders so accomplished. But I think the only reason this is retained is for historical purposes. How many people in how many countries do this stuff? Surely not many nowadays. Who could afford it?
Weren't sporting meets about keeping warriors fit, back in the day? Hence decathlons etc with the running and jumping and hurling spears and stuff. And archery. And cavalry. And I guess now the shooting. Paradoxically, I like shooting because it's about the only sport where you can be fat. Proper fat, not like weightlifters and shot putters who are walls of muscle under the fat. You can have a beer and a ciggy and then line up a target and bullseye! Or trap shooting- maybe not the beer, but seriously, how fit would you have to be for that? Pity Michael Diamond didn't come anywhere. I seem to remember that he had a problem with caffeine last time around. This time, it just didn't happen for him. Never mind, I would think he has another Olympics or 2 in him. That's the other thing, unless you develop a tremor, you could shoot for years!
So it's all over for another 4 years and then they go to Rio. Surely they'll add Dancesport for Rio. I can't wait to see THAT opening ceremony!

LIMPING THROUGH THE OLYMPICS

Well, Australian athletes are not doing as well (so far) as expected in the 2012 Olympics. And heads will roll. The Australian sports-watching public is hunkering forward on its collective couch in front of its giant HD TV and has put down its bowl of potato chips in order to tear its hair and gnash its teeth and weep along with the silver medallists and those who came fourth.

Yes, we Aussies love our sport and our sportsmen and women. When they are winning. Never mind that even to be selected for an Olympic team, let alone to get into the finals, let alone to get any medal IS winning; no, only gold will do! GOLD, GOLD, GOLD!!! Bring home GOLD, James ‘The Missile’ Magnussen! GOLD, Emily Seebohm! GOLD!!!!

What?? SILVER?? You’re only SECOND best in the world?? Cry, you sooky-wah-wah! The expectations of a country of 22 million on your muscular shoulders, all that build up, and you FAILED. By a hundredth of a second.

What bullshit. Look, I love an Aussie gold medal too, but can we get real here for a second? The US has a population of, what, 450 million? And China, whoah, let’s not go there. Considering the 1.1 billion population and the totalitarian techniques used to select and train athletes, they should be embarrassed that they haven’t won ALL the medals. And 22 million Australians gives us a pretty limited pool from which to draw our champions. So far we have done pretty well, punching well above our weight in many sports. But this year will be a year of reckoning! Think about it! Cadell Evans DIDN’T win the Tour de France this year. Australia is NOWHERE in tennis anymore. (Sorry Sam Stosur, I’m doing it to you too.) And now we are limping through the Olympics. Bloody Michael Phelps, who is some sort of super-freak, continues to dominate the pool, and where are we in the medal tally? I pity the swimming coach, Leigh Nugent, who has already been accused of being too soft on his swimmers, by the OLD coach! Thanks, Don Talbot, that’s the way, trash your successor.

OK, so there’s still hope in hurdles, diving, sculls, track and field, I’m not even sure what else. Gymnastics? Oh, come on, never a chance. You have to feel sorry for Australian gymnasts, seriously. You spend your whole life training, sometimes with Chinese fascist coaches even. You can win all you want in all the Pacific meets and the Commonwealth Games, but once they bring in the Americans, Russians and Chinese, you can just go home. Nice try. Outclassed big-time. Must really do your head in, yeah? But you are still Olympians, dammit, so kudos to you.

Like when Australia competes in the Winter Olympics. Although Aussies do have an advantage because they can ski on anything; ice, mud, rocks. Snow here is pretty lousy and the season is short, so the athletes have to go overseas to train once they are serious. The Australian government has pumped a fair bit of money into winter sports training and a training base in Austria. (A natural choice of country, only the ‘al’ is missing.) And they have done pretty well, on the reality index. My personal favourite is the 2002 short-track speed skating champion, Steven Bradbury aka ‘Last Man Standing’ who won gold because everyone in front of him fell over. Magic! Also anyone that wins anything in aerial skiing is OK by me (gold in 2010, Lydia Lassila) considering that this is a sport that was invented by drunk skiers daring each other, I think.

And ‘Missile’ Magnussen? If the swimming thing doesn’t work out, you can definitely have a future in modelling. (Or maybe even stripping. Just saying.) Phelps may be a better swimmer, but you are way better-looking. And you ARE a great swimmer, dude! Just not the best on the day. OK?