LIMPING THROUGH THE OLYMPICS

Well, Australian athletes are not doing as well (so far) as expected in the 2012 Olympics. And heads will roll. The Australian sports-watching public is hunkering forward on its collective couch in front of its giant HD TV and has put down its bowl of potato chips in order to tear its hair and gnash its teeth and weep along with the silver medallists and those who came fourth.

Yes, we Aussies love our sport and our sportsmen and women. When they are winning. Never mind that even to be selected for an Olympic team, let alone to get into the finals, let alone to get any medal IS winning; no, only gold will do! GOLD, GOLD, GOLD!!! Bring home GOLD, James ‘The Missile’ Magnussen! GOLD, Emily Seebohm! GOLD!!!!

What?? SILVER?? You’re only SECOND best in the world?? Cry, you sooky-wah-wah! The expectations of a country of 22 million on your muscular shoulders, all that build up, and you FAILED. By a hundredth of a second.

What bullshit. Look, I love an Aussie gold medal too, but can we get real here for a second? The US has a population of, what, 450 million? And China, whoah, let’s not go there. Considering the 1.1 billion population and the totalitarian techniques used to select and train athletes, they should be embarrassed that they haven’t won ALL the medals. And 22 million Australians gives us a pretty limited pool from which to draw our champions. So far we have done pretty well, punching well above our weight in many sports. But this year will be a year of reckoning! Think about it! Cadell Evans DIDN’T win the Tour de France this year. Australia is NOWHERE in tennis anymore. (Sorry Sam Stosur, I’m doing it to you too.) And now we are limping through the Olympics. Bloody Michael Phelps, who is some sort of super-freak, continues to dominate the pool, and where are we in the medal tally? I pity the swimming coach, Leigh Nugent, who has already been accused of being too soft on his swimmers, by the OLD coach! Thanks, Don Talbot, that’s the way, trash your successor.

OK, so there’s still hope in hurdles, diving, sculls, track and field, I’m not even sure what else. Gymnastics? Oh, come on, never a chance. You have to feel sorry for Australian gymnasts, seriously. You spend your whole life training, sometimes with Chinese fascist coaches even. You can win all you want in all the Pacific meets and the Commonwealth Games, but once they bring in the Americans, Russians and Chinese, you can just go home. Nice try. Outclassed big-time. Must really do your head in, yeah? But you are still Olympians, dammit, so kudos to you.

Like when Australia competes in the Winter Olympics. Although Aussies do have an advantage because they can ski on anything; ice, mud, rocks. Snow here is pretty lousy and the season is short, so the athletes have to go overseas to train once they are serious. The Australian government has pumped a fair bit of money into winter sports training and a training base in Austria. (A natural choice of country, only the ‘al’ is missing.) And they have done pretty well, on the reality index. My personal favourite is the 2002 short-track speed skating champion, Steven Bradbury aka ‘Last Man Standing’ who won gold because everyone in front of him fell over. Magic! Also anyone that wins anything in aerial skiing is OK by me (gold in 2010, Lydia Lassila) considering that this is a sport that was invented by drunk skiers daring each other, I think.

And ‘Missile’ Magnussen? If the swimming thing doesn’t work out, you can definitely have a future in modelling. (Or maybe even stripping. Just saying.) Phelps may be a better swimmer, but you are way better-looking. And you ARE a great swimmer, dude! Just not the best on the day. OK?