WHEN CARDIGANS ATTACK

I bought this really nice knitted jacket/cardigan thing when I was in New York earlier this year. When I am in NY, I go to Bloomingdales, and I particularly like this designer, Eileen Fisher, who does a plus size range called Eileen Fisher Woman, and who really seems to understand that being plus size does not automatically mean that you want to look like an upholstered sofa, as so many of these so-called designers seem to think. The clothes are usually simple pieces in flattering shapes, mix and match, and usually of natural fibres. She uses a lot of silk and cotton, as well as linen. And wool, cashmere, mohair, sometimes with a bit of elastane for shape and metal thread for a bit of understated bling. The clothes are practical and comfortable, not cheap, but they last well. I’ve been buying Eileen Fisher for some years and hardly a dud piece.

So I was rather enjoying this cardigan jacket. It’s a great layering piece, not too warm (important for us larger ladies who are also menopausal), in a nice knit of black and white, so you get this uniform grey marle sort of appearance. I wore it to Shul during Yom Tov once, but generally I wear it as work wear or on Shabbos.

So comes the time to clean it, and I checked the laundering instructions label, only to be greeted with this information:

51% Linen

49% Wool.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHATNEZ!

I truly can’t believe this. I thought I always check clothing labels. I warn my sons when they buy suits, about the freaking LAPEL STIFFENER. I once made my daughter take off a skirt she was wearing in a hotel bathroom because I had seen that skirt in a store and I knew it had a leeetle bit of wool along with the linen and cotton blend. And she took it off willingly! And now I HAVE BEEN WEARING A PORK CHOP. TO SHUL, noch.

I have been like Lady Gaga, but the meat dress was actually BACON and SHRIMP.

This is for real, folks. This is just as bad as eating a bacon cheeseburger. After a starter of oysters. And it makes no damn sense AT ALL. Just like Red Heifers and Kids Seethed In Their Mothers’ Milk. This incomprehensible Jewy stuff that I take upon myself as part of my relationship with G-d.

I’m not complaining. I accept this stuff that is above my level of reasoning and pay grade. But DAMN, I liked that cardigan. DAMN.

So, my non-Jewish friends, anybody want a free Eileen Fisher garment, size 1X? Almost new. Very elegant and most comfortable, I can personally vouch for that.