FRIENDLY FRANKFURT FLUGHAFFEN

Here I am again, complaining about First Worldproblems (see earlier post) but I do love to kvetch! And sometimes annoyingthings, or even disasters, become funny when viewed from a safe distance,proving that old maxim that Comedy = Tragedy +Time.

After that buildup, I‘m going to talk about oneof my least favourite airports in the world (so far experienced) and that isFrankfurt. I don’t think that I have ever been through there without somethingbad going on. I mean, I think I’ve been through there 4 times. That’s enough toform an impression! I’ve voted for politicians on less than that. I’ve madelife-changing decisions on less than that!

Frankfurt Flughaffen is a uniformly grim-lookingplace where everything is miles from everything else. Wherever you are, it is agiven that you are a half-hour walk from where you need to be. I don’t know howthey do it, it must take planning. And unlike most modern airports which looklike shopping malls, FF is made up of bleakly lit corridors with a snackbar ortwo along the way. Maybe I get to see the crappy side of the place because I amin transit to or from Israel as a rule, and as we know, the El Al counter isfar, far away from everything in case some freedom fighter decides to bomb it.Maybe that’s what it is, although in transit from the US it was also bleh.

So in my last trip I was with hubby and we werefully paid up business class and our ticket had us going Melbourne, Singapore,Frankfurt on Singapore Airlines, then El Al to Israel, then back from Israel toFrankfurt by Lufthansa, then back the rest of the way Singapore Airlines (whichby the way, I think is the best airline ever, no complaints at all, and ChangiAirport is what all airports should aspire to.) We had 5 hours in Frankfurt andwe wanted to go to the business lounge. Star Alliance and all that, we thoughtwe could go to the Lufthansa business lounge. Silly us.

The young woman guarding the lounge forbade usentrance as we were not flying Lufthansa on that leg. But Star Alliance? Nope.So where can we go? ‘You can sit zere,’ waving to the gate lounge. For 5 hours?Shrug. Is there someone we can talk to? No.

So I was starting to get feisty. We wanderedaround for a bit and found nothing anywhere that would point us to some otheroption for a business lounge, and believe it or not my husband actually hadbusiness he had to transact, so, increasingly annoyed, we returned to the stonewall of the Frankfurt Fraulein. No joy there.

Then I saw someone at a desk nearby. I marchedover and asked for help. Business class. Singapore airlines. Star alliance. Notletting us in. She was outraged on our behalf! We all marched back toBrunnhilde, much Deutsch was spoken, but our champion then turned to us,non-plussed and said she couldn’t help. Only if we were flying out on Lufthansacould we use the lounge. But we are flying back on Lufthansa? No, no help.

I am now muttering ‘Ve are only following orders!’and starting to hum ‘Deutschland Uber Alles’ which is always a bad sign. Butwait! I see another person behind a desk marked Business Class. Off I go. (Bythis time, hubby is leaving it up to me and being a very meek Jew.)  Whole story again. But you can only goif you are in Business Class, madame. But we ARE! Ach zo?! Zat is not right!Off we go back to the Iron Madchen. More rapid fire Deutsch. Again,bewilderment on out erstwhile saviour’s face.  No, sorry, you cannot go up to the lounge! Our Star Alliancelevel was only Silver premium, and we need to be Gold. And El Al is indeed inthe Alliance, but there is ‘a difficult relationship’ between El Al and FrankfurtFlughaffen. Zo.

BUT! There is a nice lounge we can go to! The Luxxlounge, for El Al. They renamed it. And one more thing. It is outside theairport; we will have to ‘emigrate into Germany’ as he put it. (All I can thinkof is ‘Juden Raus!’ Out of the airport!) ‘That doesn’t look too good, youknow’, I said. ‘No, no, it is actually a very good lounge!’, said Helpful Hans,not getting the reference. ‘American style, zey have showers too!’ I murmuredto my husband, ‘And this time, they’re real!’ I can’t help myself.

And a nice lady walked us the 2kms to passportcontrol, and told us an interesting story:

‘Yes, zey are very strict with allowing peopleinto ze lounge. For example, once zere was a lady viss 2 children. And zere isa policy, only one guest. So she had to choose vich child to take into zelounge while ze ozzer child was left viss us downstairs.’

I was aghast! ‘Sophies’ Choice’! What is wrongwith you Germans? What would it have hurt to let her in with both children?Make an exception to Ze Rules! But I didn’t say anything. What for?

I’m happy to say the Luxx lounge was indeed, verynice. And the showers were great! And all the walking was good exercise too.

Another pleasant memory of Frankfurt Flughaffen. Ican’t say it makes me want to actually visit Frankfurt though. Ben-GurionAirport never looked so good.