THE UNLIKELY LIBERAL

I’m an Orthodox Jewish mother and grandmother, medically trained, working as a Lactation Consultant. My politics lean Right. And over the years I have seen things and learned things about people that make me believe that good parenting has little to do with sexual orientation. I tend to keep my opinions to myself on this matter because- well, my extended family would disagree, to put it mildly. So of course, that’s why I’m posting on my blog about it.

So, surprise! I’m not against same-sex parenting. (Not so sure about same-sex marriage though; I wonder if some gays aren’t putting too much stock in that piece of paper. I mean, why do we celebrate marriage with big parties and whole communities involved? Marriage is a contract. What other contract is celebrated in this way? If it were just about two people committing to each other out of love or whatever, or if it were just about property, then just go to the registry office or sit in front of a lawyer and sign some documents. Why are we dancing and hiring halls and caterers? Because traditionally marriage is more than just a legal contract, it is about the community wishing the couple a future involving, not roses and valentines, but children, the future of that community. Now, a legal marriage is not necessarily a happy one, but I get the idea; maybe it’s having the RIGHT to get married that is more important than the actual getting married. I am reminded of a scene in The Life of Brian, where Stan, a transgendered man, or Eric Idle in drag, to be precise, wants to have babies; but since he can’t have babies, his group agrees to vote for him to have the RIGHT to have babies. And he is satisfied with this. But I digress.)

I won’t go as far as to say that I would jump for joy and click my heels in the air if any of my kids turned out to be gay R"L. But I wouldn’t sit shiva either. I would be very saddened but supportive.

So I maintain the belief that the ideal family unit involves a present mother and father of wanted children, with some extended family to back this arrangement up. But as we all know, this doesn’t always happen. Marriages break down, partners die, mental illness develops, unwanted babies are born, abuse is perpetrated. And kids are stuck in the middle. Heterosexual unions have certainly produced enough screwed-up people. And conversely, I don’t think they necessarily have the monopoly on producing happy, well-adjusted kids either.

Same-sex parenting by design is a relatively recent phenomenon, often made possible by various reproductive technologies. Of course there have been situations in the past with Uncle raising orphaned nephew etc. But biological, as well as adoptive parenting by design means that two adults have chosen to commit to each other and to raise a wanted child in a loving environment. There is usually great expense involved as well. There’s no ‘Oops’ involved, as can occur in normal parenting. (Yes, I can use the word ‘normal’ here, as the statistical norm is still the heterosexual family unit. Don’t get your PC knickers in a knot.)

On the other hand, same-sex unions can also be crappy and destructive; people are still people. So if there’s marriage, there’s divorce, and if there’s kids, then there are good and bad reasons for having them and good and bad ways of treating them. ‘Means well’ doesn’t mean ‘Does well’.

In the end, kids need love and they need boundaries. They need Chessed (love, kindness) and they need Gevurah (strength, boundaries). And I really don’t think that the gender or the sexual orientation of the parent absolutely determines his or her ability to provide this.

So please don’t rip off my shaytel and snap my soup ladle in two, and exile me into the wilderness. I just don’t believe in stereotypes. And neither am I a stereotype.