Doomed to Groom

DOOMED TO GROOM

Last night my husband, a Lubavitcher Hassid, ran his hand through his untrimmed beard and sighed about how much grooming his beard took. I looked at him, incredulous. I laughed. Slightly injured, he defended his comment by describing the travails of shampooing and conditioning, not to mention tying up the unruly beard into his signature subtle twist and tuck, for business. I laughed some more.

A man complaining to a woman about grooming?? Any man! Any woman! I’m no fashion model and that shaytel does hide the decision I made a while back to stop coloring my hair, but what is there to compare to the regular upkeep women are forced into? Maybe men can primp and ponce around in front of a mirror, but generally the exercise doesn’t involve tweezers, for starters. And it’s a CHOICE. I know about the ones who wax ‘back, crack and sack’ but ask any beautician about who comes to the salon more frequently and in greater numbers. And I know about women who choose not to exfoliate and depilate, but where I live, there aren’t that many. Not counting nonagenarians in nursing homes.

Girls and women are virtually forced into patronizing (matronizing??) the beauty industry, and you can only hold out for so long. Waxing and plucking and threading! And exfoliating those rough bits! And manicures and pedicures.  When did manicures become compulsory? I didn’t ever wear nail polish except for special occasions until a few years ago. I started with clear polish on a nicely trimmed nail. Then it was sheer colour. Then more protective coatings. But still on a natural nail, once a week. And now I have joined the grown-up ladies and I have gels, so every 2 weeks, infills. But my, the nails look better. And it’s now important that they look good! And I hate to say it, but I feel better when my nails looks better.

Don’t get me started on make-up either. I visited Paris when I was 40 and I could not believe how good those Parisian women looked. All that stuff about Frenchwomen was true. But not just the Catherine Deneuve look-alikes looked good, also the meeskeits looked amazing! It was then that I decided to start wearing make-up every day. Just subtle, like everything I do. (Pause for laughter.) No, really, I don’t overdo it. But it can take quite a while and a lot of product to get that natural look! Right, ladies?

There are things that the French get right, not just the croissants. The whole looking good-feeling better thing is really ingrained, not just superficial. Like the story of the nurse entering the hospital room of the woman who had just had a mastectomy; she brought her a mirror and her make-up, and said, not unsympathetically, ‘Courage, Madame.’ I really get that.

But back to topic; Every now and then my husband and I have a whinge-fest about the stuff we do. He has to wear woolen tzitzit and it’s 100 degrees! But I have to wear a shaytel! And uncomfortable shoes! Trumps! But he has to wear a tie to work! But I have to wear panty-hose! Trumps again! But complaining about beard care? What about my nana-whiskers which I hunt down relentlessly and uproot every night? What about my night cream, day cream, lip cream, eye cream, cleansers, toners, body butter, pedi-paddle, and many other alliterative beauty aids? It takes me 20 minutes of extra prep before bed, and HE’S complaining? Open up my bathroom cupboard and risk an avalanche of jars, tubes, tubs and small bottles, but open his and there’s a toothbrush, a hairbrush and a jar of Q-tips. Which we both use. The Q-tips, I mean.

Why, saying that men have equal grooming duties is nothing but a bare-faced lie!