NOT MY PROBLEM, BUDDY

This whole preoccupation that religions have regarding the covering of various body parts of women is really starting to annoy me.   You can’t help noticing that the more conservative the society, the more women are covered up, effaced quite literally, to the logical extreme of the Taliban and the burqa. OK, so let the Muslims work this one out for themselves. I’m Jewish. We’re different.

But I am getting heartily sick and tired of being dictated to and exhorted by various Va’adei Tzniut, or rabbinic panels who seem to have not a lot else to do but worry about women’s necklines and sleeve lengths. Because it seems there is no end to it. I am not getting into a fight over whose Shulchan Aruch rules, or who is more observant or whatever; I just want to know where it will end. I’m pretty sure it won’t end with a burqa, although there is this little cult in Israel where the women and girls wear layer upon layer of clothing in the name of Tzniut, and I have heard of some reference to ‘burqa ladies’, but have never seen them. I presume that these women wouldn’t get spat on in Bet Shemesh. But I digress.

Hair covering: I’m cool with it. I‘m cool with you too. If you want to cover with a wig, with a scarf, show 3 fingersbreadths of hair or none at all, or wear a hat on a wig on a shaved head, or not cover at all, it is not my business. You are following your customs, your mother, your rabbi, your guru, your choice of lifestyles. You can shave into a Mohawk and cover with a flowerpot if you feel that this is authentic. Good for you. Not for me. (And it isn’t authentic, by the by.)

Sleeves: I choose to wear elbow length and longer in colder weather. By you, I may be a Frummy, or the Whore of Babylon. I don’t care. You can wear no sleeves, cap sleeves, puffed sleeves, leg-o-mutton sleeves, to the elbow, to the wrist, over the wrist bone, trailing on the ground, wrapped around you like a straitjacket. Your choice.

Hems. Necklines. Colours. Fabrics. Hosiery. Everyone has an opinion.

I do believe in blending in out of respect for others. So if I do venture into some enclave where women are expected to wear, say, a plastic garbage bag for a coat and a fishing net on the head, I might do so; but I won’t go there unless I have to. 

So, if I go to Shul, I wear pantyhose, but the rest is what I do anyway. Shaytel; ¾ to long sleeves, depending on the weather; skirt knee to mid calf; neckline usually below the collarbones but no cleavage (not that I have any cleavage anyway); sensible shoes because of all the walking involved going to Shul, and I’m too old and fat for extreme shoes and tight-fitted clothes. Good enough for me but I’m sure not for all. My girls make their own choices, no longer needing my approval, and I accept this even thought there are things I disagree with.

Now, I don’t wear a robe when entertaining, I get dressed. If I wore a robe I would wear an embroidered kaftan or something, but I can’t stand the whole Boro Park robe thing. Get dressed, for Pete’s sake! But hey! If you want to wear a robe, do so! Your home! Your choice! But see this notice in a supermarket in Monsey, NY:

To which I say, most respectfully: Go jump in the lake! Go get something better to do! If I want to buy a clingy red robe, I will! I didn’t come here to be preached to! If I wanted a mussar shiur, I would go to one! “P’robe when buying a robe”? Probe THIS!

Because you know what? It’s your problem, Jewish male. If you don’t like the way a woman is dressed, LOOK AWAY. Avert your gaze. It seems that there is this tendency among some weak-minded males of today to put the entire onus on women to not be attractive. This is not Halacha. The mere fact that we are allowed, nay, encouraged to wear nice wigs and not a mop or a dead cat on our heads tells us that we are not supposed to look strange or ugly, and we can wear long, attractive wigs, other women’s hair!- but our own hair is for our husbands to see. It is about dignity and status, not about shame. With Muslims, it’s different; girls are covered from puberty or even earlier, single girls as well as married, so as not to inflame men with passion. But that’s them, not us. Sure there is a Jewish standard of modesty, and standards differ; but married women covering hair to whatever degree, and details of body coverage, is usually decided between that couple and/or within that community. (And BTW, there is some standard of modesty expected of men re short pants, sleeves, tight fit etc. but somehow nobody ties themselves in knots over this.)

So women are allowed to be attractive, and men must learn to control their gaze and their thoughts and feelings. This is called ‘Civilization’.

Men in the general community also have some problems with flashy females. When so much flesh is on display, where does one look? Men like to look? OK. But civilized men learn not to ogle or perve or leer. Men who wish to do any of these things, or, to take it to an extreme, men who wish to do violence to women, will do so, even if there is only a thumbnail to see. The rest is excuses for uncivilized behaviour. Men! Look away, or look for a second (more than 3 seconds is an ogle, more than 5 seconds is a perve) and think of something else, like work or politics or world events.

I don’t go for the Slutwalk mentality, I think that there is SOME responsibility that women must have for self-protective behaviour. There are some places you just wouldn’t go to alone or at night or at all if you don’t want to be interfered with; this is common sense. And it’s plain rude and inappropriate to show too much in the workplace. If a woman wants to be taken seriously at work, there are some rules to follow. Socially? Use common sense and be aware of what messages you are sending out, and don’t get shit-faced and then complain about being mishandled. If you want him to be a gentleman, then act like a lady.

But what are we going to do about this creeping attitude of covering up Jewish women, more and more and more? These mealy-mouthed exhortations are just annoying. There are shops in 13^th Ave Boro Park where I can get only clothes in somber dark colours of correct drape and cut and style, so if that’s what I want, that’s where I’ll go. Or I will make my own choices.  But don’t give me lectures in the supermarket please, Bnos Melochim or whoever you are.

This battle over women’s and girls’ modesty is not going to be ‘won’ by demeaning or attacking women who don’t conform, nor will it be ‘won’ by preaching. Women will dress and comport themselves as they feel is right and men will just have to deal with it, whatever it is. Civilization.