WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS CHILDBIRTH THING, ANYWAY?

My daughter gave birth 48 hours ago to her first child, a boy (3.825kg, that’s 8 ½ lbs in the old money, although, bleary as I was, I was saying 7 ½ - well, I had been up for most of the night, OK?) and she was a champion. She is committed to the ideal of natural birth, and, although we all know how the wheels can fall off the process and demand intervention, thank Gd she got what she wanted- natural, drug free, pretty short labour, healthy baby. Of course it was an eye-opener for her, because who can really anticipate how painful and primal the whole process is?

I am proud to say that not only was I there, but I was actually useful as a birth attendant. The OB offered me a job and I think he was half serious- and he was terrific too, so it’s a bit of a mutual admiration society. He has delivered 2 other grandchildren and he is a rare breed of OB- one who doesn’t do anything unless he has to, and who has an attitude of trusting the female body to generally get the job done with encouragement and support, rather than threats of dire consequences and ‘what-ifs’. So I was in the thick of it and didn’t have time to take photos, sorry.

But honestly, what a business. How ridiculous to think that this enormous passenger has to be pushed and squeezed and extruded from inside to outside through a narrow tunnel which has to stretch and often tear, accompanied by the worst pain the woman has ever experienced, as a rule. ‘Like kacking a watermelon’, as a friend of mine says. And there’s shit and pee and blood and amniotic fluid, and just when you think it’s all over, WHOA out comes the placenta. Please tell me what sort of evolutionary process got us this charming state of affairs? Or, if you will, what sort of punishment is this for listening to a snake and eating a damn piece of fruit off a lousy Tree of Knowledge 5773 years ago? And there could have been a better way!

Yes! I am from Australia, and I can see that there are 2 other options available here. Because here, we don’t just have the boring old placental mammals; we have marsupials and monotremes too.

So the monotremes, basically 2 animals, the echidna (an ant-eating simulacrum of a hedgehog in a parallel universe) and the platypus (an impossible river denizen with 4 webbed feet, fur, a beaver-like tail and a duck-like bill) lay eggs. Yes, a leathery sort of reptilian-looking egg out of which hatches a naked baby critter, called a puggle and just as cute as it sounds, which then locates milk-producing patches on its mother’s belly, which it then laps up while nestling close to her. This would be a good arrangement for humans, unless the egg was as big as the aforementioned watermelon, in which case, not.

Best of all options is the marsupial, I think. The joey (who thought of these names?) of the kangaroo, even the largest species, is about 3 cms long at birth. It exits the vagina or cloaca or whatever the kangaroo has after about a month of gestation, climbs up using its relatively well-developed forepaws, through the mother’s furry belly into the pouch, which takes about 3 minutes, attaches to a teat and stays there for 4-5 months, and then falls out of the pouch at about 6-10 months. That’s a birth! Of course it can come back in for some time after and can still suckle even if it has been evicted permanently, to make room for the next joey. Mum can even make 2 different kinds of milk, one for the new and one for the mature joey.

All marsupials do this, with variations on the theme. And I think, how much better is that? No pain, no blood, you can check on the baby whenever you want, even after the birth you can stuff the baby in in times of danger and run away, until it gets too big at least. This is what the Attachment Parenting types want, too! I guess a sling and a pouch are pretty similar.

But I digress; my beef is with the birthing process. And it’s not as if the new ‘improved’ versions in use today guarantee anything wonderful either. Compared with epidurals and vacuums and forceps and tears and cuts and caesarians- marsupials still rule.

I’ve had a word with G-d about it but She’s not listening, unfortunately, so I guess it’ll just be push push push, and that’s that. Bloody snake.