TIME WILL TELL- WHAT?

It’s been a busy week, for a change.

Firstly, my birthday, whence collided my Hebrew and English dates, my age being a multiple of 19 (I really don’t get that, but it seems to work). So no, I’m not 38!! Haha! I’m 57. I have to look at that a few more times just so I can get my head around it.  57. It used to represent Heinz’s 57 varieties of something, and now it’s my age.

Then, the day after my birthday, my lower back suddenly started to hurt. I might have sneezed or something and suddenly, awful pain. I’m happy to report that it settled with some anti-inflammatories and stretching, oh, who am I kidding, just luck.

And then we had the race that stops a nation! I refer of course to the US presidential election. Or maybe to the Melbourne Cup horse race. Either way, it’s a bloody great gamble. I’m not going to discuss Obama’s victory because I’ll talk about how America has chosen suicide, and then somebody will say, but the Republicans are bad with women’s health and the issue of legal abortion, and then somebody will say yes, and the Dems will legalize same sex marriage and how that is such a good thing, and then somebody else will say that it’s a sin against G-d and we will all fry in hell, and yada yada yada. So Obama got in. Deal with it. I personally think that he has debased America in the eyes of the world and that his economic policies seem disastrous, and he is no friend of Israel, but, hey, what do I know.

And then, for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday after the Cup/US election, I did a medical refresher course which I have done most years since it began 35 years ago, where I hear all sorts of things about the latest medical treatments etc relevant to GP’s. It is very educational, and I always come away having learned new things, most of which I don’t put into practice, because although I am officially in General Practice, I actually only work with mothers and babies in the field of breastfeeding problems. Pretty niche practice. But I do want to keep my registration so I do all these courses etc to keep up points. Costs a fortune, all this registration stuff. On top of which I have to recertify as a lactation consultant every 5 years, which I just did.

Anyway, in this Update course, there are generally 2 types of speakers; specialists who discuss their fields and what is new and relevant to GPs, and GP academic types who might have their special interests but have managed to publish stuff or attain professorships in the College etc. Either way, I always feel that I have sort of failed to amount to anything professionally. Plus the fact that it always takes place on or around my birthday, always leaves me feeling this way. On top of that, I am now older than most of the speakers. And some years, you would not believe the beautiful young women who step up to the podium with a list of published articles as long as your arm and alphabet soup after their names who are associate professors of this and that, and they look like they could be models. This year, not so much, thank goodness, I was depressed enough already. What is the opposite of Schadenfreud? Is there a word for when other people’s success depresses you?

So I ponder, what can I do about this? I know how it happened; I had 7 kids and I have a husband who has a very busy career of his own, so although he is a good guy and all, it’s not as if he can put everything on hold while I chase the dream. I have to be the woman who is behind the successful man, right? Corporate wife and all. Entertain and stuff.

Now the kids are grown and the pressures are different, but they are still there, and so are the grandchildren whom I never feel as if I have done enough for.

So I know that my little practice in my mickey-mouse sort of field actually does help people, actually does make a difference; but there are times when I feel that ‘I coulda been a contender’ and now that chance is lost. Could I retrain as- what? Psychiatrist? That was the original ambition, but do I still want that? I don’t think I want to be even more involved with people than I am now, I think I’m already burning out. I’ve always loved the idea of Humanity but it’s people I have trouble with.

No, I think I have to strike out in another direction entirely and get my damn cookbook published. Doctor Booba Cooks! There’s a title. Hands up who would buy one! Really, it’s good, it’s the culmination of years of cooking for a family, lots of good tips, full of wisdom. No photos yet, that’s the next step. And finding a publisher.  Maybe before I turn 60. Oy.