Nanna, not nanny.

A strange thing is happening to me as I get older; I think more and more of my parents, my mother especially. I think of how I never had any grandparents, and on top of that, my mother did not live long enough to be a grandmother to my children. So it turns out that I have had no role models for being a grandmother, and I don't know how to be one; I'm learning on the job. I have ruminated about this before but it's not over.

So recently I had a piece published on Kveller which drew down some wrath from 2 major groups: those in defence of Stay At Home Moms (SAHM) (read on and you will see why); and some other grandmothers who berated me for not appreciating the wonder and privilege of being a grandmother. Without exception, the irate grannies had 1-2 little grandkids and not a whole passel, as I do thank G-d. And I certainly DO appreciate the privilege and honour! I'm not complaining! G-d forbid!

I thought I would publish again, but this time without the edits imposed. Let's see if it makes things better or worse! I must warn you that I will be exploring the Grandmother theme again, basically until I get it out of my system.

Here goes:

I know this lady, let’s call her Eva, who has several grown children, all of whom have blessed her with grandchildren. She cannot do enough for them. Whenever I see her she is about to pick her daughter’s children up from school, or take her son’s to the dentist, or is planning a big birthday bash for one of them, or taking the home for baths and dinner, and she seems very happy to do this. One time she was limping after she had an injury, but there she was, on her way to school pickup. She is a retired SAHM. Her kids have careers or jobs, although one daughter-in-law doesn’t, and she clearly has no sense of being used. Which I think she is.

I always look at her with a mixture of pity and awe.

We are very different. She is a sweet sort of lady and I am not. I’m not a gooey, super-affectionate type. I’m into competence and capability and problem-solving and have had to teach myself to be less Mr Spock (as my children used to refer to me) and more Mr Rogers, so to speak, more empathetic and emotionally responsive. I also have a profession which I have always practiced less than full-time since becoming a mother, but it still keeps me pretty busy.

So when my kids started having kids, well, at first, no problem because the first crop lived overseas, so all I had to do was visit a few times a year bearing gifts, and Skype a little, which always gets tricky when the baby is old enough to start bashing the keyboard and trying to fling the laptop on to the floor. And phone calls with not much talking at first, apart from heavy breathing and the occasional ‘dah’ on the other end, evolving over the years to proper conversations and singing and being sung ‘Happy birthday to yoooo’. Just adorable.

But then they moved to Melbourne. And then some other kids did, and others got married, and now I have 7 grandchildren living here (and 4 overseas) thank G-d, they should all be well.

And slowly the demands started coming in; ever so gently, but they kept coming. Can I pick up from school? Something’s come up. Can I come to the house? The babysitter has to leave, the mum is held up. Can I do this? Can I go there? And remember that in 2 cases, I am the only accessible grandmother, because all but one of my kids married Americans, so I’m the Go-to Granny.

What to do? All I knew was that I did NOT want to be like Eva. I did not want to be hobbling around with a toddler in tow, on my way to pick up kids from school, and then bring them home and give them dinner and bath them so they would be in their jim-jams all nice and clean for Mummy to come and pick up. Every day.

No thank you. No matter how adorable my grandchildren are, believe me when I say that I have done my time in Mummyland, and I am all Mummied-out. My 7 th and last child was already rather sloppily mothered because I was kind of over it, and that was over 20 years ago.

I reflected on how much help I got from my mother when I had young children- sadly, almost none; she died when my eldest (twins) were 4, and she had been sick for some time before then. And from my mother-in-law? Zero. She had 3 daughters of her own who also were having kids, and I was just not on her list. My husband was working long hours so I had paid help or I had no help, but I was always strong and capable, and I got the job done, including after-school music lessons and swimming and sport etc.

And I won’t go back there.

BUT. I also know that I want to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives. So the time came to lay down some ground rules:

11    I will do anything in an emergency. I have taken kids to the emergency room when their mum is stuck with babies and dad is stuck in traffic. That’s life, stuff happens, and I will be there if at all possible.

  2   I will do pickups from school, or look after toddlers, but NOT every day and not so that mummy can go to Pilates. And I need at least 3 days notice, so I can clear my diary. (Emergencies excluded, refer to 1)

33    I will not be used as a regular babysitter, or a night time babysitter so mum and dad can go out. Get a high school kid. Make your own arrangements. I also like to go out for dinner, you know.

44   I respect a mum who is studying or working more than one who is a SAHM, sorry, so I will be more generous with bending the rules when the pressure is on with work deadlines or exams etc. Hate me if you want, but that’s how I feel. Please note, I do NOT disrespect any mother who is doing the hard work of mothering! And yes, all mums need a break from time to time. But surely there is an extra degree of difficulty if she is doing all the mum-stuff AND she has to sit exams or prepare a brief or deal with patients phoning after hours etc. (I know all about that!) I hope I make that clear; please don't hate me TOO much.

55   I will do stuff that I am good at and enjoy. I do not enjoy and neither am I good at, taking kids to the parks and playing boisterous ball games and chasey. I am not one of these youthful sprightly types. Fortunately, I am good at cooking so I will do pizza night once a week for all the families, and I will do Sunday brunch for anyone who comes, and Shabbat meals. I will even drop in dinners if mum is under the weather. I will also take every opportunity to read to the kids; it was my favourite thing to do with my own kids and it still is.

66   I will look after the kids, including having them move in and stay for days or weeks, if one or both parents have to go overseas for family reasons. That’s part of having daughters and sons-in-law from America. There are other families over there who also need to see their kids, there are weddings and simchas, and there are illness and funerals, and they have to go, so I will hold the fort, and have done so many times.

77    When we go on family vacations, I am not there to look after the kids while mummy and daddy have pina coladas on the beach. Do your research and find a local.

My late mother used to joke that she had a sign near the front door for when grandchildren came to visit. On one side was written ‘Baruch HaBah’ (Welcome). And when they left, she would flip it to the other side, which read ‘Baruch HaShem’ (Thank G-d). Not such a joke, really.

I have had my son and daughter-in-law and their 4 kids move into my home for 9 months while they were renovating their home. Yes, you read that right. NINE MONTHS. And we all worked together like a well-oiled machine. I mostly kept my mouth shut and didn’t bang on about the clutter and the general lack of organization, and we shared dinner preparations etc etc, and I read to the kids most nights which was such a pleasure. And it was work, though it really deepened my relationship with the kids; but OMG I was pleased to see them leave. Baruch HaShem.

So maybe Eva loves her life as a grandmother who seems to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting of parenting; but not this little black duck.

I wonder how many parents of young kids are using their own parents a little too freely, in a little too unthinking a manner. And I wonder how many grandparents are taking it, because they are guilted or otherwise manipulated into it.

Nothing is more important than family, and the happy chaos of family get-togethers is such a pleasure. But please, respect the grandparent-grandchild bond. Baruch HaBah! Baruch HaShem.