IT TAKES A VILLAGE…

We women of a certain age are like gracious old houses. Beautiful, elegant, full of light, airy (or in my case, windy)…but OMG, the maintenance needed.

I have calculated that the stuff I do simply to maintain the illusion of looking like a civilized human being costs more annually than my parents’ total income, back in the day when they were alive and working.  And we lived very simply, true, but they raised, fed and put 3 kids through school on that income. And paid off a mortgage. And ran a car.

Health stuff: (actually, not so bad in this wonderful country where the health insurance system isn’t as byzantine as, say, the US)

Visits to cardiologist, gynecologist, bariatric centre, semi-annual blood tests, various forms of medical imaging and medications (Meds are really expensive! And I’m essentially well!).

Supplements too! Sheesh. And after I have bought the ‘pleasant-tasting’ fish oil, or the Vitamin D3 or the chewable multivitamin or the chia seeds, or the vile herbal mixture or the Neways Feroxin or whatever the fad is, it sits in the fridge staring balefully at me whenever I open the door, making me feel guilty about the waste of it all.

Dental stuff:

Annual visit to dentist.

Annual visit to periodontist.

Repairs to broken teeth- had a bad run there a couple of years back. Oh yes, the dental splint to stop the tooth-grinding. Mmm, what a pleasure that was. Not.

Eye stuff:

Annual exam of vision, pressure, and more and more fiddling with contact lens prescriptions because I don’t want to wear bifocals until I REALLY have to. I mean that. (So I'm sitting staring at the screen through one of 6 pairs of magnifier reading glasses which I keep scattered through the house.)

Hair/ Shaytel maintenance:

I finally stopped coloring my hair as I realized it was pointless. So my real hair is pretty cheap, but the shaytels- uh oh.

Nails:

Bi-weekly gel infills and polish. When did this start? Why?

Pedicure every 4 weeks. Now THAT’S a necessity.

Beauty therapy:

Aka ‘Management of superfluous hair’. What a rip-off! (ha ha, little waxing joke.)

Facials- OK, I wouldn’t have 2 a year, but the eyebrows have escaped all control. So special treatment for brows.

And I DON’T do cosmetic crap like Botox, and hope I never feel the need to.

Exercise stuff:

Personal trainer twice a week. Orthotics for the sneakers. Had to be custom made, at great expense, but I’ve had a lot of use out of them.

Water aerobics class twice a week. It’s my pool, but I pay for the sessions. Maybe if some of my PIKER FRIENDS would actually TURN UP every week, I might not have to pay, but that’s the way it is.

Zumba, Pilates or whatever which I do until either injured or sick of. Then physiotherapy for the injury. This happens on average, once a year.

Therapeutic massage, weekly, to recover from the exercise. Of course!

I give employment to about 20 people, and that’s when I’m well and everything is working properly! G-d forbid the multitudes who will need to tend to me if I get sick! It’ll take a city, not a village!